No More To Be Found Professional; And There Is Nought To Cull Of Folly'S Fruit; For Though Your Fools Abound, They're Barren, And Not Worth The Pains To Pull. Society Is Now One Polish'D Horde, Form'D Of Two Mighty Tribes, The Bores And Bored. But From Being Farmers, We Turn Gleaners, Gleaning The Scanty But Right-Well Thresh'D Ears Of Truth; And, Gentle Reader! When You Gather Meaning, You May Be Boaz, And I - Modest Ruth. Farther I'd Quote, But Scripture Intervening Forbids. Its Great Impression In My Youth Was Made By Mrs. Adams, Where She Cries, 'That Scriptures Out Of Church Are Blasphemies.' But What We Can We Glean In This Vile Age Of Chaff, Although Our Gleanings Be Not Grist. I Must Not Quite Omit The Talking Sage, Kit-Cat, The Famous Conversationist, Who, In His Common-Place Book, Had A Page Prepared Each Morn For Evenings. 'List, Oh, List!'- 'Alas, Poor Ghost!' - What Unexpected Woes Await Those Who Have Studied Their Bon-Mots! Firstly, They Must Allure The Conversation By Many Windings To Their Clever Clinch; And Secondly, Must Let Slip No Occasion, Nor Bate (Abate) Their Hearers Of An Inch, But Take An Ell - And Make A Great Sensation, If Possible; And Thirdly, Never Flinch When Some Smart Talker Puts Them To The Test, But Seize The Last Word, Which No Doubt 'S The Best. Lord Henry And His Lady Were The Hosts; The Party We Have Touch'D On Were The Guests: Their Table Was A Board To Tempt Even Ghosts To Pass The Styx For More Substantial Feasts. I Will Not Dwell Upon Ragouts Or Roasts, Albeit All Human History Attests That Happiness For Man - The Hungry Sinner!- Since Eve Ate Apples, Much Depends On Dinner. Witness The Lands Which 'Flow'D With Milk And Honey,' Held Out Unto The Hungry Israelites; To This We Have Added Since, The Love Of Money, The Only Sort Of Pleasure Which Requites. Youth Fades, And Leaves Our Days No Longer Sunny; We Tire Of Mistresses And Parasites; But Oh, Ambrosial Cash! Ah! Who Would Lose Thee? When We No More Can Use, Or Even Abuse Thee! The Gentlemen Got Up Betimes To Shoot, Or Hunt: The Young, Because They Liked The Sport - The First Thing Boys Like After Play And Fruit; The Middle-Aged To Make The Day More Short; For Ennui Is A Growth Of English Root, Though Nameless In Our Language: - We Retort The Fact For Words, And Let The French Translate That Awful Yawn Which Sleep Can Not Abate. The Elderly Walk'D Through The Library, And Tumbled Books, Or Criticised The Pictures, Or Saunter'D Through The Gardens Piteously, And Made Upon The Hot-House Several Strictures, Or Rode A Nag Which Trotted Not Too High, Or On The Morning Papers Read Their Lectures, Or On The Watch Their Longing Eyes Would Fix, Longing At Sixty For The Hour Of Six. But None Were 'Gene:' The Great Hour Of Union Was Rung By Dinner'S Knell; Till Then All Were Masters Of Their Own Time - Or In Communion, Or Solitary, As They Chose To Bear The Hours, Which How To Pass Is But To Few Known. Each Rose Up At His Own, And Had To Spare What Time He Chose For Dress, And Broke His Fast When, Where, And How He Chose For That Repast. The Ladies - Some Rouged, Some A Little Pale - Met The Morn As They Might. If Fine, They Rode, Or Walk'D; If Foul, They Read, Or Told A Tale, Sung, Or Rehearsed The Last Dance From Abroad; Discuss'D The Fashion Which Might Next Prevail, And Settled Bonnets By The Newest Code, Or Cramm'D Twelve Sheets Into One Little Letter, To Make Each Correspondent A New Debtor. For Some Had Absent Lovers, All Had Friends. The Earth Has Nothing Like A She Epistle, And Hardly Heaven - Because It Never Ends. I Love The Mystery Of A Female Missal, Which, Like A Creed, Ne'er Says All It Intends, But Full Of Cunning As Ulysses' Whistle, When He Allured Poor Dolon: - You Had Better Take Care What You Reply To Such A Letter. Then There Were Billiards; Cards, Too, But No Dice; - Save In The Clubs No Man Of Honour Plays; - Boats When 'T Was Water, Skating When 'T Was Ice, And The Hard Frost Destroy'D The Scenting Days: And Angling, Too, That Solitary Vice, Whatever Izaak Walton Sings Or Says; The Quaint, Old, Cruel Coxcomb, In His Gullet Should Have A Hook, And A Small Trout To Pull It. With Evening Came The Banquet And The Wine; The Conversazione; The Duet, Attuned By Voices More Or Less Divine (My Heart Or Head Aches With The Memory Yet). The Four Miss Rawbolds In A Glee Would Shine; But The Two Youngest Loved More To Be Set Down To The Harp - Because To Music'S Charms They Added Graceful Necks, White Hands And Arms. Sometimes A Dance (Though Rarely On Field Days, For Then The Gentlemen Were Rather Tired) Display'D Some Sylph-Like Figures In Its Maze; Then There Was Small-Talk Ready When Required; Flirtation - But Decorous; The Mere Praise Of Charms That Should Or Should Not Be Admired. The Hunters Fought Their Fox-Hunt O'Er Again, And Then Retreated Soberly - At Ten. The Politicians, In A Nook Apart, Discuss'D The World, And Settled All The Spheres; The Wits Watch'D Every Loophole For Their Art, To Introduce A Bon-Mot Head And Ears; Small Is The Rest Of Those Who Would Be Smart, A Moment'S Good Thing May Have Cost Them Years Before They Find An Hour To Introduce It; And Then, Even Then, Some Bore May Make Them Lose It. But All Was Gentle And Aristocratic In This Our Party; Polish'D, Smooth, And Cold, As Phidian Forms Cut Out Of Marble Attic. There Now Are No Squire Westerns As Of Old; And Our Sophias Are Not So Emphatic, But Fair As Then, Or Fairer To Behold. We Have No Accomplish'D Blackguards, Like Tom Jones, But Gentlemen In Stays, As Stiff As Stones. They Separated At An Early Hour; That Is, Ere Midnight - Which Is London'S Noon: But In The Country Ladies Seek Their Bower A Little Earlier Than The Waning Moon. Peace To The Slumbers Of Each Folded Flower - May The Rose Call Back Its True Colour Soon! Good Hours Of Fair Cheeks Are The Fairest Tinters, And Lower The Price Of Rouge - At Least Some Winters.